This year has been one of the weirdest for me. I started off the year breaking out of my depression as best I could, staying positive, being a little happier. Still jobless but happy. My relationship with my boyfriend suffered but I got into a band and I was happy. Happy.
And then I hit a low. I broke up with my boyfriend and my band let me go all in the same day. The same day. Worst day of my life.
And then my boyfriend and I decided to be friend and I’ll admit it was weird. An up and down weird. I got a job for a month and made some good money. I slept when I didn’t work, I didn’t work on my music like I wanted to, I didn’t do anything I enjoyed. I just worked and slept and worked and slept for a month. This happens whenever I work a normal job. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have realized from past jobs that if that continues for a few months, I start getting depressed and go into this spiral that I feel so trapped in and I can’t get out. Thus my fear of getting a job again.
And then, after that, I had a small vacation and for a month or two I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I felt useless so I made a new resolve.
Last week I finally finished a first draft of a book. It’s a very short book, but it gave me confidence. A second draft will fix that, right? I had a first draft of a book, I’m drawing more, I spent $150 on jewelry supplies for my jewelry shop so I can gain an income, and I managed to contact someone about bass lessons. He was gonna teach me how to learn things by ear which is exactly what I need. My lessons was supposed to be tomorrow. Last week, everything was looking up. Good, yeah?
This week I’ve been exercising. I ache all over but I feel good and it’s just one way I’m combating my depression. But then I realized my book is way too short and I’ve hit writer’s block trying to make it better. No big deal. I can handle it. My jewelry isn’t turning out as well as I want it to be and I’m afraid I won’t make the deadlines I set for myself. I’m starting to doubt myself again, thinking I cannot make any money off of it and I spent $150 for what? The doubt is what gets me hard. It really does. And the fact that my parents are looking for more jobs to pay off my college loans (the ones under their name) is making me feel guilty, but, as I said, I’m afraid of getting a job because I don’t want to fall into that deep of a spiral. But I don’t have any money. I’m broke. I don’t have any money and whatever money I do have is most likely going to go to my loans.
And I was just informed that my bass lessons are cancelled. Which would be alright, except that this guy was going to teach me how to read by ear and my old band, the one I was in for a month, just released their first album and yes, I’m jealous. I mean, good for them, they deserve it, they want to make it big and I’m glad for them, but I’m just a little bitter. And all I want to do is be a musician and an author. The author one is slow and filled with doubt. The musician one is starting to fade because I’m not motivated to practice what I don’t know how to do.
I don’t know right now. It’s all messed up and I just feel so set back and I had such hope for this year but I feel like I’m just so useless and letting everyone down all because I have issues with jobs and doubts and motivation and it just sucks. I found myself typing horoscopes into Google just to check if my life will turn out ok this year. I stopped myself coz that’s just stupid.
Yes, this should have gone in my journal but it just doesn’t feel like I’m telling someone. Even tho this is a read more. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t need sympathy. I just want everything to turn out right. I want some god up there to just give a boost in the right direction with no setback. I’m sick of setbacks. Especially the setbacks that come from my mind. The doubt and stuff.
I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. Sometimes I think I do and then something like this happens and I don’t. I’m a waste of space and I know it. I keep saying that one day I’m going to show the world how good I can be, but really I’m just showing myself. And myself isn’t satisfied with what little I can do. God I hate myself.
But I just keep moving forward, coz that’s about all I can do.